Camp CalSO

Alright, down to the Berkeley update.

The semester has been just a continuation of the blahness that has been life lately. It's strange how so many people live their lives with so many ups and downs. I used to be one of them, but somewhere along the line I decided I was sick of it. I pretty much evened all my shit out so it's just continuous mediocrity. I ended up with less than satisfying grades this semester, but not too horrible either.

I can't really explain it. It's difficult to bring myself to truly love anything anymore. I used to be able to be passionate about certain things, but my impatience didn't allow me to pour my entire being into any one thing. Music, art, science, the written word - these were the four cornerstones of my developing self. At some point in time I had wanted to so one of them, and now I've ended up choosing my least favorite of it all - science. Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel the same if I had chosen another path. Just this sense of...not even disillusionment any longer. It's just begrudging acceptance. Nothing excites me, nothing stimulates me. Maybe I'm just lazy.

Nobody ever likes to hear me bitch about this stuff, and the ones who have the patience to hear it out can't do much about it. I appreciate it being heard, but it must be distancing and frustrating to not be able to change me. I say distancing because I think when you don't know how to deal with somebody or something, you distance yourself. An awkwardness develops, and the bond you have with somebody else weakens and eventually breaks. I speak about this now because I'm currently in Camp CalSO.

I've been training pretty hard with a bunch of other counselors-to-be for the past two weeks. In this time, strangers have quickly become good friends. I've gotten to know some of the other folks pretty well, and we're cool, but sometimes I just feel that familiar feeling of being an outsider. I think because of who I am, and how I just cannot bring myself to say or do what other's want or expect, people just don't feel comfortable around me. I feel that nobody would miss me terribly if I were gone, but nobody minds me around. In fact, I am simply an enterainer for most people here. They all think they know me and what I'm about when I know I am so much more. I've just been growing weary. Life is day by day now.

Maybe that's what makes some people successful. Being able to just say and do what they know others want. Seeing the big picture and actually being able to follow through with it. I think I could have been so much more, in the eyes of others, if I had been less prideful. If I had been willing to sell myself, in my eyes, I'd be much more than I am now. I think that's what life is. Being able to see, then willing yourself to do. I feel as if I have the first part down, but I can't bring myself, because of who I am, to do the second.

It's just my habitual feelings of emptiness that plagues me now. Feeling disconnected from shit...I think I'm simply too cynical.